Have you ever been on the verge of a serious mental breakdown? Well I am well on my way! I guess while I am freaking out I should share why I am so stupefied and horrified at this very moment! The story starts a long time ago..... let go back 11 years to Girls Camp.... I HATED girls camp! not for the typical reasons, I loved to hike and camp and play outside, however at the time I could have cared less about become spiritually fit and combining spirituality and outdoors was a complete conundrum for me. Hiking+Outdoors=LOVE! Spiritual+Crafts=HATE!
As I have grown up I found my way back to Jesus, at least that is what I tell people when they ask why I don't drink, Well because I found Jesus! People don't ask again after you throw Jesus in there. Any who about a year ago I was talking to a lady in our ward and she asked me if I would be interested in being a nurse at girls camp. I told her that I would love to help and I let her know that I wasn't yet a nurse but I have had quite a lot of experience in the health care field. I left it at the and honestly thought very little about our chat.
About 6 weeks ago Steven got a call from somebody in the stake that we had never heard of and asked if we could meet with him... okay that's strange we thought but we had him over, mostly because I thought Steven was getting a new calling.... Boy was I wrong! Well karma is a well you know what and he called me to be on the stake committee for girls camp. At the time I was super excited! While I am still excited I am terribly nervous! In fact I'm so depressed that all I want is to camp out in my bed and read bad science fiction romances until my eyelids bleed..... okay maybe I am completely over exaggerating, but Seriously! The Shining light in the tunnels is that I am assigned to being the Hike Specialist in the Stake.
Tonight the Sweet and Totally Awesome Lady that is in charge of this whole undertaking came to my home and explained what my assignment was. After she was all said and done I was feeling pretty good, I could handle this, until she mentioned how awesome last years hike specialist was. This woman is nothing short of amazing, she had each parent write a letter to their daughters and she gave them out to them on the various hikes. Our stake had around 200 girls! Holy Crap! Hearing this I took a hard hit on my self esteem. I am not freaking amazing like the last girl! What can these girls learn from me? I am just a misfit! Seriously! I only went to two girls camps and that because my mom forced me the second year.... I look at my life and wonder what the heck the lord is thinking!?!
I am even more restless about this because some of the awesome boys that we used to teach have chosen a rough path and I can't help but feeling personally responsible. I realize that they have their own agency and I expressed that they needed to exercise their free agency and make their own choices. But when that they found out that I didn't lead the "ideal" life style before coming back to the church they shared with me all of the current choices that they were making in their lives at the time. I listened to them and told them while I didn't support what they were doing that I loved them and Steven and I would always be there for them. To this day when we hear from them I am competely elated, I however feel a heartbreaking pain when I hear what some of them are up too. I don't judge them at all! I love those boys! But I do however judge myself for not being what they needed me to be. My fear is that I will not be what I need to be for these girls....
As I sit here I need your help! I need ideas about how to help these girls! I want them to have a great girls camp, but I feel like I am completely and 100% under qualified!
Sorry my post is super depressing! I just had to vent and hoped creativity would follow, so far no luck!